...

I've been in my grandparentals house for a few days because my grandfather was away. I'm going back home tonight though. I can't wait! My place is a lot cleaner. Can't go back until after my grandfather has been to church though.

Talking of churches...I was actually sickened by everything written on www.godhatesgoths.com . I spent a while flicking through pretty much everything on the site before I stumbled across this. After finding out the whole thing isn't serious, I now find it pretty amusing. However, as I know there are many people around the world that actually have these beliefs, I am still quite fucking sickened. I'm so glad I stumbled across the disclaimer. If I hadn't, I think I would have spent the rest of my life attempting to track down a fictional character so I could completely rip him to shreds. But yes, my mind is now at rest after finding out that Rev RG Green doesn't actually exist.

I hate that my grandmother likes to watch I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. There have been 2 occasions in the last 3 days where I've turned round to see s****rs on the tv. I have panicked both times. I fucking hate it. If I was alone and had seen something like that, I would not have been able to cope with it at all... Which would be exceptionally bad when I have a baby to look after. There should be some kind of warning or something. Bleeeep! I can't believe I used to love that show years ago. I guess I jsut wasn't as immensely terrified of stuff back then.

I'm drinking Pepsi again... Even though I'm morally opposed to the stuff. It's cheap and tastes good. =/

Anyhows, bye!

Hamlet, alcohol and degus.

I've just realised that I spend way too much time feeding Hamlet (my cyber hamster who lives >V there). I feed him on average about 10 different times a day. I think this officially makes me a loser. I'm actually surprised at the fact he isn't obese. He's surprisingly skinny for a hamster that gets fed way too much.

I got exceedingly drunk last night. My friend had to open the door so I could get back into the house because I couldn't work out what to do with my key. Apparently my grandmother asked me to unplug something for her and when I bent down to unplug it, I stayed bent over for ages. She asked me what I was doing and apparently I told her I was looking at the plug. I don't remember this. I could barely walk and stuff. I haven't been that inebriated for a very, very long time. I also went online at some point. I don't remember doing that at all. I'm rather confused as to how I managed to climb up the ladder to my bed. I woke up and I was still drunk until the hangover kicked in at about 2pm. It was a rather good night (well, what I remember of it was). Heh, I've missed nights like that. Don't worry- my grandmother was looking after Isaac for me, so I wasn't looking after a baby whilst absolutely wasted!

Morrissey is now officially the most tame degu in the world. Usually he's only exceedingly tame with me and my grandmother because we are the only people who regularly hold him. A couple of friends came round for a bit tonight and he let one of them hold him and didn't even try to escape. So yes, Morrissey officially has better social skills than me!

Ooohh... In Tesco last night, I was buying vodka and this margharita shizz and I didn't even get IDd. Tesco are usually really strict with IDishness. It was quite funny because the margharita stuff was labelled £3.50, 2 for £9. I only bought it to see how much they'd charge me. I'm quite pleased they charged me £3.50 instead of like £4.50 or something.

I'm gonna go have a bath and read a bit now. Hoobletoodledoo!

ch, ch, ch, ch, changes...

It's weird how much life can change in a year. This time last year, I'd never even thought about having a baby. In fact, I was 99.9% certain I didn't want to ever have a baby. Shit happened, I got pregnant and POW- I have the most awesome squigglytiddlypeep in the world and wouldn't do anything to change that even if I had a time machine. A year ago I actually disliked babies. Now that I have Isaac, I'm obsessed! It's so fucking weird lol!

A year ago I was in sixth form and yeah, I'd thought many times about quitting... but I was determined to stick at it until I actually got a-levels, especially since I'd quit college the previous year and already failed at it once. I somehow ended up quitting that. It was kind of accidental (in a kind of 'blahh- I'll go to school tomorrow' kind of way), but I'm happy I did. I'd hate to have to leave Isaac all day every day to do school stuff! It would have been awful being the only pregnant looking person in school. I have the rest of my life to do educationy shizz. I plan to be in uni by I'm 25. Knowing me, it probably wont happen, but hey ho!

A year ago I lived with my grandparents (in fact, a month ago I did) but now I live in a pretty awesome 'flat' thing with Ikeydoodle and it couldn't be any awesomer. I love not having to share a bathroom with other people. Yeah, even though I don't have people telling me what to do all the time, I'm still not free to do whatever I want whenever I want to do it because my life revolves around Ike, but I don't mind.

A year ago I saw my friends pretty much every day. Now that most of them have toddled off to uni in far away places, I hardly ever see them anymore. I've become kind of like a loner with a baby, but it's cool... It means I actually look forward to seeing friends rather than just socialising because it's something that happens a lot.

A year ago I had quite a lot of piercings. Currently I only have my tongue piercing and nose piercing in (still have other holes in my face, but they have nothing in them). My beloved bridge piercing closed up because they made me take it out in the hospital when I was getting all sewn up after having Isaac and I ended up forgetting to put it back in. The day I realised I couldn't put it back in was a terrible one. I'd had that piercing since before I did my GCSEs and it had become a part of my face. I barely recognise myself now. I'm going to rectify the lack of piercings some time soon. I can't believe it's been over a year since I got any piercings or tattoos. Soon that will all change again.

A year ago I was vegan. Now I'm just your average vegetarian. I only changed that because I was pregnant and couldn't be bothered with a dietician dictating to me what I should eat. I'm not 100% sure why I'm still un-vegan. I still have all the same views on shizz like this. I plan to reveganise myself some time soon. Maybe January 1st? Seems like a good time to me... I might just make it a gradual thing though. I didn't do that the first time round. It seems like a good idea.

I was even a completely different person a year ago. I'm not sure what's changed about my actual personality. I can't put my finger on it. I still like most of the same stuff and whatnot, so I can't have changed too much... Maybe it's because I've grown up or something (which I swore would never happen >.< ).

But yeah... My point is a fuckload of stuff has changed in the last year... The changes I've written about here make it look like a lot has changed, but I haven't even written about everything that's changed... So it really is a rather huge amount of changeyness!

=]

Erm... yeah.

A random picture of my hand holding a can of red devil about a year ago... because I forgot what I was going to write about.

RED DEVIL IS LIQUID HAPPINESS

shizz.

I'm not gonna write about any dodgy stuff on here anymore. I now have an anonymous blog that I'm pretty sure will be pretty hard for people to find unless they know where to find it. If anyone wants the link to it, I'll give them it if they ask me for it privately... but only if it's someone I kind of trust and wouldn't really mind reading it. =/

I'm on page 138 of Tempted. It's officially the slowest I've ever read a House Of Night book. Usually with these books, I start reading and barely stop until I've read them. It's not because it's a boring book or anything. It's fucking awesome, just like the rest of them... I just can't concentrate on it very well and I've been kinda busy recently with Ike and moving into the 'flat' and stuff.

I'm currently waiting for Casualty to come on. I don't know what else to say about that, apart from that I'm vaguely excited about it! I like Casualty.

I'm going to start drawing things again. I'm not amazing at drawing, but I used to find it relaxing and stuff... I think the last thing I drew was something in art before I quit sixth form almost a year ago! o_O

Anyhow... Bye.

Bleep.

Hmm... I don't really know what the point in this post is... but meep. I need to write some shizz and I as I shredded all my diaries a few months back, I can't write in those. It's going to end up being a really long, boring post because there's a lot of stuff I need to try and sort out in my head and it kinda needs to be long because I want to save intermanet timeage. There'll probably also be a load of stuff about stuff that I don't really need to write about but keep meaning to. Also, there'll almost certainly be some stuff that doesn't make any sense to you, but meeples... It's gonna be a big jumble of random crap. I'm not going to write about everything because there's a load of shizzle I'd never dream of blogging about as I never know who's likely to read it. I just hope someone like my mother doesn't read this (mother, if you are blog-stalking me like I have a feeling you are, just pretend you haven't read anything).

Shizzle is pretty shite at the moment. Yeah, there's some good things like not having to live with other people (apart from obviously Ike) and the fact I have Isaac... but apart from that, I'm pretty sure everything else is crumbling like a ridiculously crumbly cookie.

Isaac now weighs 9lb 15.5oz. Apparently that's really good. He's perfectly well looked after according to the health visitor. It amazes me how I'm managing to look after him as well as I am because I'm certainly not in a very hoobygroovy place right now. It's definitely not easy having to look after a baby 24/7 but it's kind of like something to focus on or something. Meep, I dunno. All I know is that if Isaac didn't exist, I might not even exist anymore. It was weird earlier. It was like I'd gone back in time a bit. The health visitor was asking me a load of questions and stuff and I ended up lying... How are you feeling emotionally? Fine. Are you managing to sleep when Isaac is asleep? Yeah. Are you eating well? Yup... I thought I was over having to lie to medical peeps about shizz. But hey, ho. It stops people finding out about shizzle. Meep. I'd just got used to this health visitor. I have to change doctors and stuff this week, so I'll have a new health visitor and stuff. I don't like changes like this. I've had the same doctor since I was a baby. Even when I was living in Manchester I kept the same doctor... I hate that it has to change, even though I hate my doctor. =/

I have a huge feeling about something bad. I'm not 100% sure about it yet though, but I'm really fucking scared. Everything adds up and I know deep down that I'm right. I've got no idea what to do about it. I know that to find a way to stop it, I'm going to have to keep on at least appearing to be coping ok. I can't say any more about this on here in case certain people read it. Gosh, I wish I knew a way to make it so that certain blog posts on here can be either private or only readable by people who are following me who I'm also following.If anyone knows if that is actually possible, please let me know!

I seem to have started smoking again. It wasn't really intentional. I'd quit when I was a few months pregnant and wasn't exactly planning on starting again... but then I started only smoking when I was exceedingly stressed out by something and within a week, I found I was smoking multiple times a day. Not as much as I used to smoke, but I'm still a bit pissed off at myself. I don't smoke near Isaac though. I smoke outside. Usually when there's someone to look after Ike for a while or if he's asleep. I stay away from Isaac for a while after smoking and I have a designated 'smoking hoodie'... So don't worry. I'm pretty sure I'm not harming Isaac in any way.

Why the fuck am I drinking Pepsi?! As a rule, I never drink pepsi because of the whole promoting bullfighting thingy.  Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. I'm waiting for my bed to arrive. I want it to get here sooner because when it gets here, I can give Isaac to my grandfather for a while so I can have a fag and a shower... Or maybe even a bath.

There's this specific thing I need to do. I know for a fact I'm going to do it tonight. I really don't want to, but it's the only thing I can think of to do without doing something else that I'm definitely not going to do no matter how much pressure I'm put under to do it. I wish there was another way out of doing shizz, but meep. At least it's  a kind of comprimise or whatever.

There's all this shizz swirling round in my head constantly and it's fucking annoying. There's also shizz I can barely admit to myself that I can't talk about to anyone and stuff and I fucking hate it... Not the not being able to talk to people thing (I'm not a particularly big fan of doing that anyway), the being so ashamed about something that I don't like admitting it to myself.

But yes, there's so much more shizz I want to write about, but I'm definitely not going to broadcast any more shizz to the whole internet. Blehhh. Fuck writing this shit.

Sensibleness!

I know this is probably pretty obvious stuff to most people... but I feel rather clever for thinking of it. It'll probably end up saving me a lot of money!

Instead of typing stuff like this whilst online, if I type it all offline (like I am currently doing) and only go online to actually post it, I'll be using up a lot less time and shizz on my mobile broadbandy thingy and hopefully I'll have to top it up less often.

A lot of time I spend on the internet (apart from when I'm on facebook, twitter or various forums) just involes reading random crap... So if I open a page that has a lot of stuff I wanna read on it, I'll just disconnect for the amount of time it takes to read it all. Clever, innit! =D

Sometimes if Isaac is whingey, the only thing I have found that will actually calm him down is playing him the video of Common People by Pulp (yes, I have a fucking awesome baby!)... So I now have the video (on youtube) constantly open in a tab, so whenever he gets whingey I can play it straight away without having to go online.

So yes, as a person who is used to being online pretty much constantly and never going offline, I'm pretty impressed with myself! XD

I'm also pretty impressed with myself because I've been washing things quite soon after using them. I've also constantly had at least three super-clean bottles in the steriliser, so he hasn't had to wait long if he wants a bottle and I haven't prepared one... I even have an emergency supply of ready-made milky shizz in the cupboard in case I don't have time to boil water, let it cool down and mix the powder stuff into it. I'm so fucking organized! The flat is messy, but stuff is clean. I've managed to go through a whole bottle of dettol since last night. I even made myself food last night. Yeah, it tasted like shite (twas cheap asda macaroni cheese shizz that I probably cooked wrong) and I didn't eat all of it because it was gross, but I still made it!

Last night was my first full night alone in the flat with Isaac. We had a half-night here last week, but we ended up going to my grandparents house in the middle of the night because Isaac was crying a lot and wouldn't shut up and I didn't know what to do with him (turned out he was constipated). We then spent two nights here when my mother decided to stay with us. I think I coped pretty well with him last night. Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's still a dirty nappy (peed not pooped) on my bedroom floor and Isaac is wearing a terrible looking outfit (because I couldn't figure out how to put his dungarees on him), but he's still alive! He seems pretty happy and stuff. He's asleep now, so I can tidy up and whatnot... Maybe I'll make lunch or something.

Heh, it feels so weird having to look after both myself and another human and also having to clean things and be all grown up! XD

Dreamishness.

It's been a while since I blogged. I haven't really had the time. In the last month, my life has been particularly hectic with having a baby and stuff. I'm not complaining though- Isaac is hoobygroovy! He's currently asleep on me. I've also been gradually moving into my 'flat'. It now has a fridge, so it's very liveable in. It still lacks a bed though.

Last night I had a very weird dream. It was raining heavy footballs. I was in an odd building thing. I think it was supposed to be a school or something... but it was more like Hogwarts than the school I used to go to. The building was absolutely destroyed by the balls and a load of people were killed. Later on in the dream, I was shopping for Christmas cards and slightly infuriated at the amount of Winnie The Pooh cards and the lack of interesting cards. It wasn't the most interesting dream I've ever had, but I'm sure it was the only dream I've had for a few weeks. I'm usually pretty good with remembering dreams, but I haven't had one for so long that this seemed like a novelty.

Apparently I was talking in my sleep lastnight too. I haven't had any reports of that happening for a while either. It was probably because I had an Isaacless night as the grandmother was looking after him for a change. With a baby, sleep seems to happen even less than it used to... Well, not ages ago... but when I was pregnant, I'd started sleeping a lot more than I have done for many years and I kinda got used to it. Although it might just have been because I was inebriated when I went to sleep (for the first time in like 8 or 9 months or something) and it put me into a deeper sleep than I would usually have. Either way, it was fucking great to actually have a dream. I've missed them.

Might blog again some time soonish, whenever Isaac is asleep and I have nothing better to do.