bleep

So like... I'm tecnically in hospial 'voluntarily'. I'm not really volutary though as they'll section me if I don't stay at the hospital. I'm allowed home for a couple of hours most days so it's a bit more bearable than if  I wasn't 'voluntary'. At least I get to see my little boy without being cooped up in the tiny, boring family room.

Anyhows. I've been in hospital for... I dunno, at least a week I think. I'm crap at being sociable, but I've been venturing away from my bed  so that I can observe people. I've given people nicknames in my head. So far there's Santa, Statueman, Bush (if you read my last blog post you'll know who that is), Usher and Griphook. I'm sure I'll thInk of names for everyone else soon. I'm actually going to make a comic strip thing based on people in there whenever I can be bothered!

But yeah, tonight I'm going to be the only female person on the ward, so I get  a big room to myself. Which means I get to watch star trek in bed without having to use headphones.

Anyways, that was just a quick update. Gotta get my stuff together as I have to be  back at the hospital in 20 mins. Byes.

Hey honey, I'm home... again.

Yesterday was messed up. Was told Ike would die before I woke up this morning if I didn't kill myself last night. I was scared and told my grandmother and I ended up with a choice of going in to hospital voluntarily or being sectioned. Obviously I chose the first option. I was so scared and kept phoning my grandmother to see if Ike was still alive. As much as I hate hospital, I'm actually glad I told my grandmother and ended up there last night instead of acting on anything. I've realised that they are lying bastards and I will doubt their threats more now. Spoke to the psychiarist today and I managed to persuade him to let me go home... so I'm now home again.
Hospital wasn't as bad as it was last week. I discovered a garden and a toilet closer to the sleeping place. So I spent most of today alone in the gardeny place drawing pictures and smoking. It was actually quite pleasent to be honest! Oh, and I had a better bed than before.Hospital still sucked anus though and I'm glad to be out!
Gonna get pizza from dominoes in a bit... and I don't feel guilty spending so much money on it because I'm not spending money on booze at the moment!
Bye.

#omgiforgottorightaboutthis5minsago:

Last night was traumatic. Firstly, there was a pair of knickers on the radiator. Secondly, some (rather unattractive) woman got changed right in front of me. Thirdly, the same person fell asleep with her minge hanging out. She was lying on top of the blankets and her nightie had gone up and she wasn't wearing underwear. The bush was epic. It was mingin'. You'd think someone wearing a nightie in a hospital (or any place with other people) would wear some knickers! Or at least close the curtains around their bed! *shudders*

Chinese Eyebrows.

So I've spent most of the day in the hospital. I was only going to go get my blood stolen and pulse and blood pressure checked, but they asked me too many questions and because my grandmother told me to be honest I was... so I ended up having to see the psychiatwat and I was waiting around all day. Fucking sucked. And the home treatment team car thing smells like cat food. Vile.

But still, I'm going to have a chinese. Ike is all excited about having 'oodles'. I love my little boy so freakin' much. Not really sure what to write today, but I'm trying to update my blog as much as possible at the moment. I guess I'll just write a load of crap.

I've plucked a little bit of my grandmother's eyebrows. She's never had them plucked before and she can already see a big difference even though I'd barely even started when Ike was climbing all over us. I can't believe someones eyebrows can be there for 60 years never having seen a pair of tweezers! O_o

Ooohh yay! 5 minutes until the chinesey place opens. =D =D =D I'm gonna go write a list of what I want so my grandad can go fetch it for me. Hoooooobletoodledooo!

Fucking eurgh.

Eurgh. Sitting in my grandparentals house with a can of diet coke. Blogging because stuff sucks at the moment so I'm blogging about it because once again the grandmother thinks it's a good idea. Pretty certain I don't want everyone I know knowing all this, but not many people will read this anyway and if they do and judge me because of it, they can go fuck themselves.

Stupid shit happened on Tuesday night. Ended up being taken to hospital by the police (my wrist still hurts if I poke it because of the handcuffs) and I got section 136ified. I had to stay until Saturday. I hated it. It was full of people and I have an inability to talk to people I don't know. On top of that, everyone was at least 10 years older than me so it made it even more thinyey. So I stayed on my bed for the entire time apart from the occasional trip to the smoking room and toilet. Didn't eat anything that didn't come in a sealed thing because they were trying to poison me. The place freaked me the fuck out. I'm so glad to be home. Oh yeah and lollol my auntie visited me in hospital and gave me a box of chocolates like I was in there because I was actually ill or somethig lol.

Still have to go to the hospital for a bit every day because of the clozapine, which sucks. Today I spent hours there because my pulse was very high and I ended up having to have an ECG. There was lots of waiting around and I didn't have my fags or phone with me because I didn't expect to be there for as long as I was (3 and a half frickin' hours). And OMG there's this woman from the home treatment team who never shuts up. Hello, do I look like I give a shit about your rabbits?!

Not much has changed since Tuesday night and right now I just want to hide from everything... in like a cupboard or something but I don't have a cupboard so I just have to hide inside my hoodie. The grandmother persuaded me to go to Tesco with her this afternoon. I didn't like it at all. Dunno what I'm gonna do today. Probably gonna have a bath or something later and try not to do anything that'll make me end up in hospital again.

But yeah, that will be all.

Added on bit:

FFS. Just found out that if I drink alcohol at all and they find out  they'll stop the clozapine and I'll end  up back in hospital. It's not fucking fair.  I just want a a vodka and coke. =[

=[

I'm terrible at this whole being a mother thingy. Isaac is in the hospital and I'm not even there with him. He's not alone though... my grandmother is staying there with him. I really want to be there with him, but I could feel myself getting slightly panicky at the thought of staying overnight...Probably because I have bad memories of the ward he is on and the fact that I hate hospitals and can't make myself talk to people there. I still have a chest infection and am coughing quite a lot. I don't think people can catch stuff off me anymore though... but I didn't want to risk spreading germs into a hospital. I need to get some sleep too... Meep. I shouldn't even be trying to justify not staying with him. I should have stayed there, end of.

He seems fine now. Why couldn't they just let him go home? My grandparents house is about a 3 minute drive from the hospital.

I'm rather pissed off. I'm pissed off because I'm not with him, because he has to stay there and because they spelled his first AND last name wrong on things.

Meep. I miss him.

proudblog

I know I said I wasn't going to write about boring things anymore, but I'm having an omgi'msoeffingproudofstan moment, so decided I'd be all bloggy and stuff!

I just spoke on the phone to the health visitor (the new one) that I've never met before. I even spoke to the other health visitor yesterday, but I've met her before so even though it was a big deal for me then, this is fucking massive for me! I didn't freak out. I held a conversation. I only answered my phone because it's ringing was annoying me. But yeah, this was the first time ever that I've been brave enough to speak to someone that I don't know on the phone. Usually I refuse to speak to anyone that isn't my mother or a grandparent. Heh, yeah... WOOOSHHHH!! =D *does whatever proud people do* I seriously feel like a fucking lion!

Ooohh, I'm also proud because I also managed to look after Isaac last night when I felt like crap in every way possible! He was a surprisingly good boy though... I think he's probably sleeping more than usual because he caught my lurgy though. =/

 My grandmother is coming out of hospital today. I'm slightly pissed off at her because she was supposed to stay there for 5 days and be all quarantineified because apparently after her operation, she was like a zillion times more likely to get infections or something. She managed to talk them round to letting her out today though. Personally I think that's rather stupid of her, but she doesn't listen to anyone! Yeah, if I was in her position I would probably have done the same because hospitals suck, but mooo- it's still stupid! >.<

Hoobletoodledoo!

Hopickleness

I wasn't sure whether to put this in my pregnantness blog or not, but as it's probably not pregnancy-related it can go here!

On Saturday morning I woke up with possibly the worst pain of my life in my leg. Then it was still all hurty, but not as bad... I wasn't really worried about it, just rather confused as to why it was hurting. My mum told me to go to the hospital... I didn't want to, but my grandmother phoned the hospital and they told me to go there immediately. So (very reluctantly) I did.

In A&E I didn't have to wait more than about 5 mins to be seen even though there were hoobloads of other peeps there... being pregnant has its advantages! There was a lot of waiting that wasn't in the waitingy place though... There was many a cranefly and it was kinda scary because they looked so much like other things that are fucking terrifying! >.<>.<

I was very, very bored in the hospital and I hated it. I was the only youngish person on the ward. Everyone else was like 30 or 40. People were speaking Wenglish too (Welsh mixed in with English) which annoyed me. It would be ok if they were speaking either Welsh or English, but Wenglish is annoying. Last night I got a visit from some friends I hadn't seen for ages though, so that made hospitalness more bearable for an hour or so! On the thingys, I could only get on a crappy version of facebook. My DS ran out of chargeyness this morning. Twas all wayyy too boring. I discovered a weird woman who sits by a vending machine in the hospital reading all day, every day... She was odd.

There was one super-bitch nurse on the ward. I didn't like her at all and I'm not sure why. She made my first belly injection hurt more than the second (which was done by a different person) and it left a much bigger bruise than the next injection. Most of the doctors, nurses, midwives etc were nice... and one of them liked Morrissey too, which was cool. There was a piece of paper from 1991 (when I was born) with information about my birth and stuff on it. It was all discoloured with age and looked out of place next to my new notes. I'm not sure how it got there, but I think they had it because my mum gave birth to me on the same ward that I was on. I got asked some really awkward questions about some stuff on my medical records though... but they weren't asked in an evil manner. All in all, people were nice... even in A&E. It was weird!

I finally had my scan to see if it actually was a blood clot. Twas embarrassing because I had to take off my trousers as my leg had to be scanned right up to the groin. It turned out it wasn't a clotty thing and my horrid injections and stuff were pointless. The doctors and stuff seemed convinced it was a DVT... They now think I pulled a muscle pretty badly... in my sleep... Only I could do that! I have to go back there if my leg gets all weird or anything. I'm so glad to be home! It was a nightmare. At least I now know I'm unlikely to get a pulmonary embolism and die. =]

The food was shit. I thought cheese sandwiches were impossible to fuck up, but the ones there were only just edible. I had jacket potato and it was vile... it was like eating a large, barbecued testicle. Luckily, I had a small supply of junk food to keep me going. I hated not being able to use the toilets as much as I wanted to. I have a weird thing about toilets so I had to avoid them as much as I could, so peed as little as possible.

Ooohh... a couple of random people on the ward said I looked quite small for 31 weeks. I thought I was huge! XD

I got like no sleep in the hospital, and I can't wait to finally go to sleep in my nice new (well, new to my bedroom) bed tonight!

Degus, bog-monsters and vampires,

I'm so proud of Morrissey (the degu)! On Wednesday morning I have to take him to the vets. He has to have put on weight by then. Assuming my scales measure grams the same as the ones in the vets, I'm pretty sure he's put on about 15 grams since Thursday or Friday or whenever he went there! He weighed 155g in the vets, yesterday he weighed 168g and today he weighs 171 grams... I think! He's hard to measure, as the number on the scales changes if he moves even just a little bit! He's started taking his new (and apparently vile tasting) medicine very well. Mixing it up in his food and spoon feeding him it was definitely a good idea! =]

Both goos seem quite cheerful tonight. Earlier on, Morrissey was sitting on my hand being fed and making his happy noise, whilst Miyavi was playfully rolling a thingy of hay around the cage. It made me to happy to see them both so happy and to see Morrissey eating. Every time I see him eat anything at the moment is great because I know he's eating and probably isn't going to lose any more weight. =]

Tried some of the mushy degu shizz I've been feeding Morrissey this morning. I thought the smell was quite appealing and had to try some for myself. It tasted just like porridge, but a little bit weird. I wasn't too impressed with the weird tasting bit of it and I wasn't sure what some of the ingredients were, so I had two bowls of porridge to satisfy my degu food craving... They really are freakishly similar!

Ooohh... I went to my auntie's house this afternoon. Apparently I scarred my cousin-type-thing for life... Oops... Apparently she flushes the toilet really quickly and runs out as fast as she can whenever she uses the toilet because of a stupid little story about 'bog monsters' I told her in the graveyard when I was about 13 and she was about 6. I feel kind of guilty about it, but it's fucking hilarious!

Tomorrow will be super-busy... I have to have my anti-d injection. I have to have my blood stolen and tested for things tomorrow too as I keep freaking out about getting the blood stolen after the incident a couple of weeks ago. Because there's so much shizz that needs doing, I'm worried I'll be in the hospital for a very long time. I have to go to the job centre to 'sign on' in the early afternoon. Thankfully, it'll be the last time I have to do that (I think). The people at the job centre are twats apart from like one person there! I need to find time in the hospital to ask what they actually do with the blood after testing it for things. I'm certain they are vampires, especially after the midwife joked about being one... but I want to know for sure what they really do with all the blood!

Hoobletoodledoo!