Whingeywhinge.

I'm so fucking miserable recently. There are many reasons... but tonight I decided I'd have a moan because of how fucking gross my body has become.

I hated how I looked before I was pregnant. Now I would do absolutely anything to look like that again. I can't believe I thought I was really fat. I keep looking at old pictures and getting really pissed off at myself. I'm never going to look like that again. I hated how I looked, but I looked hoobloads better than I do now.

Now I weigh probably more than a stone heavier than I did pre-pregnancy. I am actually fat now. I'm covered in stretchmarks (they're literally everywhere apart from like my face). On top of being fat, my belly is dead flabby and horrible and it's a weird shape. I have to wear belly-restricting granny knickers if I want to look vaguely normal. I'm a complete fucking freakshow. >.<

When I was pregnant I knew I was getting bigger, but just thought 'hey- doesn't everyone get bigger when they're pregnant?'. I got too big. I know I didn't have a small baby, but there's no excuse for how big I got. I put on weight everywhere. There's no fucking excuse for how fat my arms and legs have become. I could see the stretchmarks getting worse and worse, but it didn't really bother me because I thought it would all be over soon and it wouldn't bother me once I'd had the baby. How fucking wrong was I? Now I look so grotesque I can't even look at myself. I would have taken a picture of my belly to prove how fucking vile it is. It's not just fat, it's saggy. I'm like a fucking OAP! Because I don't have a picture of my belly, here's a picture of how my belly was getting bigger when I was pregnant:

 

Right, so you see the progression of the bigness, yes? To get an idea of how my belly looks now, imagine popping my october belly with a pin and looking at the deflated, saggy, stretchmarked flump of vileness. Yes, it's that bad. There's no fucking way I'm ever going to get to how I used to look. As I thought I was really fat before, it's pretty obvious I'm never going to look like that again and I fucking hate it. I hate everything about myself. Message to every female in the world: Never get pregnant. It turns you into a monster. Like yeah, I love Ike more than anything in the world and I wouldn't do anything to change having him, but I would do absolutely anything in the whole fucking world to change how I look. >.<

Heh, you've probably had enough of my moaningness, so I'm going to fuck off and get drunk.

Hopickleness

I wasn't sure whether to put this in my pregnantness blog or not, but as it's probably not pregnancy-related it can go here!

On Saturday morning I woke up with possibly the worst pain of my life in my leg. Then it was still all hurty, but not as bad... I wasn't really worried about it, just rather confused as to why it was hurting. My mum told me to go to the hospital... I didn't want to, but my grandmother phoned the hospital and they told me to go there immediately. So (very reluctantly) I did.

In A&E I didn't have to wait more than about 5 mins to be seen even though there were hoobloads of other peeps there... being pregnant has its advantages! There was a lot of waiting that wasn't in the waitingy place though... There was many a cranefly and it was kinda scary because they looked so much like other things that are fucking terrifying! >.<>.<

I was very, very bored in the hospital and I hated it. I was the only youngish person on the ward. Everyone else was like 30 or 40. People were speaking Wenglish too (Welsh mixed in with English) which annoyed me. It would be ok if they were speaking either Welsh or English, but Wenglish is annoying. Last night I got a visit from some friends I hadn't seen for ages though, so that made hospitalness more bearable for an hour or so! On the thingys, I could only get on a crappy version of facebook. My DS ran out of chargeyness this morning. Twas all wayyy too boring. I discovered a weird woman who sits by a vending machine in the hospital reading all day, every day... She was odd.

There was one super-bitch nurse on the ward. I didn't like her at all and I'm not sure why. She made my first belly injection hurt more than the second (which was done by a different person) and it left a much bigger bruise than the next injection. Most of the doctors, nurses, midwives etc were nice... and one of them liked Morrissey too, which was cool. There was a piece of paper from 1991 (when I was born) with information about my birth and stuff on it. It was all discoloured with age and looked out of place next to my new notes. I'm not sure how it got there, but I think they had it because my mum gave birth to me on the same ward that I was on. I got asked some really awkward questions about some stuff on my medical records though... but they weren't asked in an evil manner. All in all, people were nice... even in A&E. It was weird!

I finally had my scan to see if it actually was a blood clot. Twas embarrassing because I had to take off my trousers as my leg had to be scanned right up to the groin. It turned out it wasn't a clotty thing and my horrid injections and stuff were pointless. The doctors and stuff seemed convinced it was a DVT... They now think I pulled a muscle pretty badly... in my sleep... Only I could do that! I have to go back there if my leg gets all weird or anything. I'm so glad to be home! It was a nightmare. At least I now know I'm unlikely to get a pulmonary embolism and die. =]

The food was shit. I thought cheese sandwiches were impossible to fuck up, but the ones there were only just edible. I had jacket potato and it was vile... it was like eating a large, barbecued testicle. Luckily, I had a small supply of junk food to keep me going. I hated not being able to use the toilets as much as I wanted to. I have a weird thing about toilets so I had to avoid them as much as I could, so peed as little as possible.

Ooohh... a couple of random people on the ward said I looked quite small for 31 weeks. I thought I was huge! XD

I got like no sleep in the hospital, and I can't wait to finally go to sleep in my nice new (well, new to my bedroom) bed tonight!