Hey honey, I'm home... again.

Yesterday was messed up. Was told Ike would die before I woke up this morning if I didn't kill myself last night. I was scared and told my grandmother and I ended up with a choice of going in to hospital voluntarily or being sectioned. Obviously I chose the first option. I was so scared and kept phoning my grandmother to see if Ike was still alive. As much as I hate hospital, I'm actually glad I told my grandmother and ended up there last night instead of acting on anything. I've realised that they are lying bastards and I will doubt their threats more now. Spoke to the psychiarist today and I managed to persuade him to let me go home... so I'm now home again.
Hospital wasn't as bad as it was last week. I discovered a garden and a toilet closer to the sleeping place. So I spent most of today alone in the gardeny place drawing pictures and smoking. It was actually quite pleasent to be honest! Oh, and I had a better bed than before.Hospital still sucked anus though and I'm glad to be out!
Gonna get pizza from dominoes in a bit... and I don't feel guilty spending so much money on it because I'm not spending money on booze at the moment!
Bye.

#omgiforgottorightaboutthis5minsago:

Last night was traumatic. Firstly, there was a pair of knickers on the radiator. Secondly, some (rather unattractive) woman got changed right in front of me. Thirdly, the same person fell asleep with her minge hanging out. She was lying on top of the blankets and her nightie had gone up and she wasn't wearing underwear. The bush was epic. It was mingin'. You'd think someone wearing a nightie in a hospital (or any place with other people) would wear some knickers! Or at least close the curtains around their bed! *shudders*

Chinese Eyebrows.

So I've spent most of the day in the hospital. I was only going to go get my blood stolen and pulse and blood pressure checked, but they asked me too many questions and because my grandmother told me to be honest I was... so I ended up having to see the psychiatwat and I was waiting around all day. Fucking sucked. And the home treatment team car thing smells like cat food. Vile.

But still, I'm going to have a chinese. Ike is all excited about having 'oodles'. I love my little boy so freakin' much. Not really sure what to write today, but I'm trying to update my blog as much as possible at the moment. I guess I'll just write a load of crap.

I've plucked a little bit of my grandmother's eyebrows. She's never had them plucked before and she can already see a big difference even though I'd barely even started when Ike was climbing all over us. I can't believe someones eyebrows can be there for 60 years never having seen a pair of tweezers! O_o

Ooohh yay! 5 minutes until the chinesey place opens. =D =D =D I'm gonna go write a list of what I want so my grandad can go fetch it for me. Hoooooobletoodledooo!

Fucking eurgh.

Eurgh. Sitting in my grandparentals house with a can of diet coke. Blogging because stuff sucks at the moment so I'm blogging about it because once again the grandmother thinks it's a good idea. Pretty certain I don't want everyone I know knowing all this, but not many people will read this anyway and if they do and judge me because of it, they can go fuck themselves.

Stupid shit happened on Tuesday night. Ended up being taken to hospital by the police (my wrist still hurts if I poke it because of the handcuffs) and I got section 136ified. I had to stay until Saturday. I hated it. It was full of people and I have an inability to talk to people I don't know. On top of that, everyone was at least 10 years older than me so it made it even more thinyey. So I stayed on my bed for the entire time apart from the occasional trip to the smoking room and toilet. Didn't eat anything that didn't come in a sealed thing because they were trying to poison me. The place freaked me the fuck out. I'm so glad to be home. Oh yeah and lollol my auntie visited me in hospital and gave me a box of chocolates like I was in there because I was actually ill or somethig lol.

Still have to go to the hospital for a bit every day because of the clozapine, which sucks. Today I spent hours there because my pulse was very high and I ended up having to have an ECG. There was lots of waiting around and I didn't have my fags or phone with me because I didn't expect to be there for as long as I was (3 and a half frickin' hours). And OMG there's this woman from the home treatment team who never shuts up. Hello, do I look like I give a shit about your rabbits?!

Not much has changed since Tuesday night and right now I just want to hide from everything... in like a cupboard or something but I don't have a cupboard so I just have to hide inside my hoodie. The grandmother persuaded me to go to Tesco with her this afternoon. I didn't like it at all. Dunno what I'm gonna do today. Probably gonna have a bath or something later and try not to do anything that'll make me end up in hospital again.

But yeah, that will be all.

Added on bit:

FFS. Just found out that if I drink alcohol at all and they find out  they'll stop the clozapine and I'll end  up back in hospital. It's not fucking fair.  I just want a a vodka and coke. =[

Bloggywogwog

So, another blog post about this shit. It's so weird openly writing about stuff like this!

I'm freaking out. I'm starting the clozapine or whatever it's called tomorrow. Dreading having to be in hospital for 3 hours every day for 2 weeks. I hope my grandmother will be able to stay there with me.  If she can't it'll be a lot more scary. I keep being told that they're going to poison me, so I'm just a teensy, tiny bit terrified!

I'm going out tonight. Hopefully a bit of alcohol will make me forget about stuff a little bit. If it doesn't, I can always start a conversation about Star Trek or Dr Kawashima's Fanny Training to distract me from stuff. Silly drunken conversations obviously fix everything! :P Obviously I'm not going to get too drunk as I have a blood test in the morning and I don't want boozey blood. Not sure how I'll cope with a crowded pub tonight, but I guess if it gets too thingying I can just go out for a cigarette or ten. It'll probably all turn out hoobygroovily! #optimismftw

Anyhow, on to less thingyey stuffles...

Ike is as amazing as always. He needs a haircut though. :(  His hair is so long, beautiful and curly, but it keeps going into is eyes. I don't wanna cut my baby's hair. MOOOOOO!

Bleep. CBA blogging anymore right now, so like... hoobletoodledoo.

Revolutionary blog post in Stanland.

Hello. It's been freakin' ages since I last updated my blog. Mainly because I've had crap all to say that I can actually permit myself to write about. This morning I thought to myself 'fuck it'. I'm going to start writing about shit that I never ever ever blog about because I'm afraid to write about it in case someone I know reads about it. I've realised that I shouldn't be ashamed of any of it, so I'm gonna have a bit of a rant.

In the last like year and a half I've been on so many different tablets (fluoxetine, sertraline, duloxetine (those 3 are ADs so they don't really count in this blog post, I'm just listing things), quetiapine, risperidone and haloperidol) and they're doing fuck all. So the psychiacunt is putting me on Clozapine (I think that's what it's called). I'm pretty scared about it (hence writing about it- if anyone has any experience with taking it, sharing would be most welcome). I'm going to have to have weekly blood tests and for a while when I start taking it I'm going to have to go to hospital for like a few hours a day so they can monitor me or something. The stuff I've read about it sounds pretty scary. I'm really rather scared. I would refuse to take it, but I'm willing to try anything to make stuff go away. If it can fix stuff everything in my life would be a lot easier.

Scary shit has been happening recently. It's not all that different from the scary shit that usually happens, but my son is now inolved in it, so recently every second is an epic struggle. I just want everything to be good for ike. I'm not going to go into detail about stuff, but I'm just going to say that stuff is not hoobygroovy. There's like a paradoxy thing going on and RARRRR. Stuff is a little messed up, so I'm definitely going to try the clozapine.

But yeah, I never post about this stuff, but I'm doing so partly so I can try and get other people's experiences, partly because my grandmother said blogging about it might be therapeutic and partly because I've given up caring about what people think. It feels so weird being so open in my blog, but it feels weirdly good writing about stuff so I'll probably end up writing about this more in future.