Hmm... I don't really know what the point in this post is... but meep. I need to write some shizz and I as I shredded all my diaries a few months back, I can't write in those. It's going to end up being a really long, boring post because there's a lot of stuff I need to try and sort out in my head and it kinda needs to be long because I want to save intermanet timeage. There'll probably also be a load of stuff about stuff that I don't really need to write about but keep meaning to. Also, there'll almost certainly be some stuff that doesn't make any sense to you, but meeples... It's gonna be a big jumble of random crap. I'm not going to write about everything because there's a load of shizzle I'd never dream of blogging about as I never know who's likely to read it. I just hope someone like my mother doesn't read this (mother, if you are blog-stalking me like I have a feeling you are, just pretend you haven't read anything).
Shizzle is pretty shite at the moment. Yeah, there's some good things like not having to live with other people (apart from obviously Ike) and the fact I have Isaac... but apart from that, I'm pretty sure everything else is crumbling like a ridiculously crumbly cookie.
Isaac now weighs 9lb 15.5oz. Apparently that's really good. He's perfectly well looked after according to the health visitor. It amazes me how I'm managing to look after him as well as I am because I'm certainly not in a very hoobygroovy place right now. It's definitely not easy having to look after a baby 24/7 but it's kind of like something to focus on or something. Meep, I dunno. All I know is that if Isaac didn't exist, I might not even exist anymore. It was weird earlier. It was like I'd gone back in time a bit. The health visitor was asking me a load of questions and stuff and I ended up lying... How are you feeling emotionally? Fine. Are you managing to sleep when Isaac is asleep? Yeah. Are you eating well? Yup... I thought I was over having to lie to medical peeps about shizz. But hey, ho. It stops people finding out about shizzle. Meep. I'd just got used to this health visitor. I have to change doctors and stuff this week, so I'll have a new health visitor and stuff. I don't like changes like this. I've had the same doctor since I was a baby. Even when I was living in Manchester I kept the same doctor... I hate that it has to change, even though I hate my doctor. =/
I have a huge feeling about something bad. I'm not 100% sure about it yet though, but I'm really fucking scared. Everything adds up and I know deep down that I'm right. I've got no idea what to do about it. I know that to find a way to stop it, I'm going to have to keep on at least appearing to be coping ok. I can't say any more about this on here in case certain people read it. Gosh, I wish I knew a way to make it so that certain blog posts on here can be either private or only readable by people who are following me who I'm also following.If anyone knows if that is actually possible, please let me know!
I seem to have started smoking again. It wasn't really intentional. I'd quit when I was a few months pregnant and wasn't exactly planning on starting again... but then I started only smoking when I was exceedingly stressed out by something and within a week, I found I was smoking multiple times a day. Not as much as I used to smoke, but I'm still a bit pissed off at myself. I don't smoke near Isaac though. I smoke outside. Usually when there's someone to look after Ike for a while or if he's asleep. I stay away from Isaac for a while after smoking and I have a designated 'smoking hoodie'... So don't worry. I'm pretty sure I'm not harming Isaac in any way.
Why the fuck am I drinking Pepsi?! As a rule, I never drink pepsi because of the whole promoting bullfighting thingy. Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. I'm waiting for my bed to arrive. I want it to get here sooner because when it gets here, I can give Isaac to my grandfather for a while so I can have a fag and a shower... Or maybe even a bath.
There's this specific thing I need to do. I know for a fact I'm going to do it tonight. I really don't want to, but it's the only thing I can think of to do without doing something else that I'm definitely not going to do no matter how much pressure I'm put under to do it. I wish there was another way out of doing shizz, but meep. At least it's a kind of comprimise or whatever.
There's all this shizz swirling round in my head constantly and it's fucking annoying. There's also shizz I can barely admit to myself that I can't talk about to anyone and stuff and I fucking hate it... Not the not being able to talk to people thing (I'm not a particularly big fan of doing that anyway), the being so ashamed about something that I don't like admitting it to myself.
But yes, there's so much more shizz I want to write about, but I'm definitely not going to broadcast any more shizz to the whole internet. Blehhh. Fuck writing this shit.
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5 comments:
There's a way to stop people reading shizz! Ermmm...in settings, go to permissions and then choose the only these readers options, then you just puit in the emails of the people you don't mind reading it and you're done :)
You sound like you're doing brilliantly with Ike...especially if stuff isn't all hoobygroovy. And I hope your bed arrives soon! :)
^ Awesome, do that, please do that, you need a place where you can feel totally safe to say what you want to.
You are doing brilliantly with Ike, I quite agree, and you're doing brilliantly with being in your own place and everything - don't underestimate what you've achieved. Change is hard, especially big changes like having to trust new health people, I really wish you didn't have that on your plate as well as everything else.
Please do ask if there's anything we might be able to help with, I know there's a distance and everything but it's amazing what can be done from far away with a bit of determination ;) Blueyyy and the Tetley dude are here for you =]
:13329:
Thanks! =D
Bleeep... i don't know any email thingys... i guess i'll just make a totally anonymous blog or something or maybe just migrate back to LJ. =/
My bed arrived! =D Although it would have been nice to actually sleep in it. ::)
*snuggleifies blueyyy*
hey this is such a sad post and I'm really very sorry that you're struggling.
As the others have said, you're a wonderful mother and you're doing so well. You should be very proud of the way you've handled all of this. As you said, it wasn't part of your plan at all, in which case you've coped so well with the suprise and everything you've been through since.
Remember that it's perfectly normal to get the blues after having a baby. I know it's hard to confide in people but if you feel you can, health care professionals are there to help you feel better. Remember you're not alone.
And I really care about you too, so remember I'm always here for you. Hope to talk soon.
Take care chick.
xDFNx
Hey,I remember when you first let on to me that you was going to be a mum...I can't believe how time passes so quickly.
Hun,being a mum is the hardest job in the world. Sure, we can read a million text books telling us how to cope with the practical side of things but nothing can ever prepare you for the emotional stuff. It's a scary place to be trying to look after yourself aswell as another little human being too. To suddenly realise some other little person is relying on you can be very daunting but try to remember that it will be okay, there will be tough times but you'll manage it.
Try to reach out too hun. Sounds like theres a lot of stuff going on right now so reach out to someone you trust...sometimes the people we don't think can help turn out to be the best support of all.
S x
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