Not knowing what to say.

I've been pondering. I think I need to write this stuff down somehow because I've been trying to make sense of it in my head for a while and can't quite understand why any of this shizz happens to me and not other people. This blog is going to be hard to write because it's all about how I never seem to know what to say... Ironically, I have no idea how to word this blog post either... So bare (or should it be bear? =/) with me! XD

I'm shit with conversations, social interaction and all that jazz. Yeah, I'm not as terrible online because it's not like real life where you have to respond to people instantly... but it's still hard! What are you supposed to generally say to things?!

I hate being asked how I am. I never know what to say. I usually try to avoid answering those kind of questions. I'm not sure why I find it difficult. I've worked out that the socially correct answer is 'I'm ok'... but I hate lying about things. What if I'm not particularly ok? I don't want to lie to someone... but I don't want it to lead to further conversation about why I'm not actually ok... So I usually settle for saying something like 'I'm sleepy'... Even if I'm wide awake. Somehow it seems like less of a lie. If I want to divert the topic of conversation away from me, asking how the other person is seems like a good thing to do. I *think* it's also the socially correct thing to do when asked how you are. However, it poses the problem of having to think of a suitable reply to their response. If they say they're not ok, you have to think of a nice response or something... otherwise you look like a heartless bitch... But what the fuck do you say to people? You don't want to get into a conversation like this because you'll end up saying the wrong thing. You might make the person feel worse or you'll end up saying something dumb. If it's online, you could just say something like *hugs* or something... but that seems really... I dunno... I'm not really comfortable with it... Probably because I'm not at all comfortable with real life hugs unless I'm absolutely wasted... In real life, if someone tells me they feel like crap or something I'm usually all confused and stuff and end up being all like 'erm... want a cookie?' Meh! It's super hard to explain, so I'm gonna go for another example...

Compliments are the worst. I never know how to react to them. If someone compliments me, the conversation goes something like this:

Random nice person: I like your shoes.
Me: *silently gives a confused look*
**Awkward moment**

However, I just consulted with my grandmother and the normal way for a conversation like that to go would be something along the lines of:

Random nice person: I like your shoes.
Normal person: Thanks. I got them half price in Tesco...

Even in conversations that don't involve any awkward questions or compliments, I always seem to find something to get slightly flustered with. It's annoying!

Ooohh... and you know when you put stuff like 'xxx' at the end of a conversation or something? I hate doing that! Yeah, I do it sometimes, if someone else has put Xs but it's always a forced thing and I feel exceedingly weird doing it. I don't know why. Do people even care how many Xs you put? Do they read into what it means? Is there a set amount people usually put? It all confuses me, so usually I just substitute an x with a turtle or a smiley face or something... I think by doing that, I look less... robotic or something and stuff... I dunno... It's hard to explain exactly why Xs confuse me, but I *think* it's vaguely relevent to the shizz I'm writing about in this post. =/

I don't understand why everyone else in the world always knows the right thing to say, but I don't. It's like the socialisey part of me is broken! Usually in conversations with more than one person I eventually kind of fade into the background and don't say much... Just listen to what other people are saying. I'm almost incapable of talking to strangers, unless I'm with someone I know. Even if I actually know what I need to say to someone, I always get all flustered and end up choking on word vomit. Maybe I was just meant to be locked up in a box away from people for my whole life!

But yes, I could think of a zillion examples of when I don't know what to say... but it's all confuzzling and I'm getting all flustered with myself trying to write this, so I'm gonna stop... Sorry if I've confused you or made you realise I'm weirder than you already think I am! XD

re-wind

Hmm... my life seem to have gone back in time a few years. I have a social life, I'm pretty much completely living with the grandparents and I'm going back to school in September. I should be happy about all this because I guess It means I'm vaguely getting back on track and stuff... I'm not though. I hate it. I don't want to go back to school and the social life feels wrong. I'm not great at being sociable. I've been out every day this week.

Monday
Went to a party at a friends house. Got completely wasted. My right arm is completely fucked up. Apparently I fell over the hoover.

Tuesday
Strange lack of hangover. Wandered around Bangor with a friend. Sat around in the graveyard a lot and went to Lidl about 400 times. Discovered a strange smell.

Wednesday
Hung out with another friend. Went to Tesco and bought vegan ice-cream. Sat around on a hill. Spent ages pondering what to do. Walked a lot.

Thursday
Hung out with another friend. Went to Matalan. Went to the cinema to see The Dark Knight. Great film.

Was a fun week. Not satisfied though. It's like my life's on re-wind. It's horrible. I NEED to be alone. I NEED to not be going back to school. I NEED to change in a positive way, not go round in a complete circle re-thinging everything that's ever made me miserable. Not everything obviously, but I KNOW I'm better off without school. So many shit memories from that place. Not to mention the fact that I'm going to be a year behind everyone.

I need to lock myself away... Hide... Disappear... but everyone knows I'm in Bangor. It's like I'm pushing myself way too far, trying to convince people I'm fixing everything. I'd rather not fix things if this is the way I'm going to fix them... But I know I'll carry on pushing myself until I completely snap. Heh.

There hasn't been a single day this week where I haven't consumed alcohol... Oops. I guess it makes socializing more bearable though. =/

Meep. Hoobletoodledoo.