It feels like I'm on a bus, both literally and metaphorically (although the literal bit is only because I'm cold and listening to my ipod).
The bus is going nowhere in particular and I'm not sure where I want to get off. I know I want to get off though. The bus keeps going over random bump things in the road and it's windy so the bus keeps rocking slightly from side to side. It's a double decker. I'm sitting at the front at the top. I can see what is in front of me. I don't like what I see. I want it to stop going forward and reverse instead. I want it to reverse to last year, maybe the year before.. or maybe even reverse back to just over 17 years ago. I'm alone on the bus, although there are many other passengers.
The other passengers keep looking at me. It's almost like they're consciously tempting me to kill them all and jump out into the road. Everything on the bus is terrifying me. The sound of the engine, people moving, the smell of the sandwich the woman behind me is eating. But still, I need to act like a normal person. So I sit here, listening to Morrissey, Radiohead, Anthrax. I look around, I do a spot of people-watching - why can't I be like them? They don't seem confused, scared and anxious. They're normal. Unlike me.
Nine Inch Nails, Nirvana, The Dresden Dolls. My Ipod is still playing. Giving me the much needed barrier between myself and the rest of the bus. The bus doesn't feel real, the passengers don't feel real and I don't feel real. What is reality? I ask myself... No reply. There never is. I never know what to say. I never know what to do. I just *am*. I don't need to do or say anything on this bus anyway, apart from press the big red button when it's time to get off.
My hair is greasy, I haven't brushed my teeth and I look like a hobo. I don't care though. I don't know these people and they don't know me. Inspiral Carpets, Placebo. I'm barely noticing the music that's playing, but it's the only thing I have to focus on. The only thing to keep me grounded. Can't exactly be 'grounded' at the top of a double-decker though, can I?
The bus doesn't feel clean. I try not to touch the wall, or the seats. I try to breathe as little as possible so I don't breathe in the germs. It's so dirty. Unhygienic. Vile. Rather sickening. I can feel the germs all over me. I can even see them if I concentrate hard enough. I don't like it at all.
Slipknot, Muse, The Beatles. The playlist seems never ending, like the bus journey. Most of the songs on the playlist are rather depressing, like the bus journey. The playlist and the journey seem to mirror eachother a worrying amount.
The bus is getting more and more crowded and I'm starting to suffocate. I'm getting more and more anxious. I want to hide from everything and everyone. I already look quite inconspicuous sitting here with my hood up and listening to music. I'm sure if I disappeared nobody would notice. I keep thinking. Too much... or maybe too little. The worst thing about buses, is that you have too much time to think.
My mind completely empties, I can't think properly, but suddenly I decide I need to get off.
